Thumb Twiddling Time

I do not have ANY exciting news today but just needed to touch base.

There are 8 more sleeps left before our '16 week' scan on March 1st and I think I am developing a stomach ulcer. Not really but I like to errr on the side of melo-dramatic. I cannot get our next scan out of my head and no amount of distracting activities will do it.

Our trip down to New Zealand was absolutely wonderful - many laughs and good food in spectacular settings. It was LOVELY! Our (3 person) part of the 'Remarkable Seven' (me + husband + friend) only got to stay for 8 days, while the 'others' got to stay on for 14 (lucky). So we only got to see the South Island with overnighters in Christchurch, Hokitika, Haast, Queenstown (3 nights), Dunedin (a castle!) and Wellington (once we had broken away from the main group). We said we were on a "Protiki Tour" that put us halfway between a 'Contiki Tour' and a 'Probus Group' ha ha. Well we thought it was funny! As such we did not Bungy Jump (some more regretful about this than others) but we did go White Water Rafting, Jet Boating and down a 'Luge' themed structure on purpose built 'Go-carts'.

Now that we are back home I still have 3 more weeks of annual leave to go and sometimes that is not such a good thing! Too much thinking time!! Too much Thumb Twiddling! At least my husband - who works away in Oil & Gas fields (2 weeks away : 2 weeks home)  is home again after only one week this time so thats great. Having him around certainly helps BIG TIME!! He can still make me laugh after 16 years of knowing him.

We are keeping our expectations around about ground level but every now and then we allow ourselves the luxury of a little 'what if...' scenario. Of the warm and fuzzy variety. But almost as quickly we stop and seriously our hearts turn to lead because we are are just so damaged and we can't really imagine this pregnancy going to term. Yes - we've made it further than ever before - and we have the smallest glimmer of hope - but we have been through too much and all of our 'ignorance is bliss' chromosomes have been taken away and disposed of. It's tough when you can never actully 'enjoy' a pregnancy.

Man! I need to get out into the garden now (which is struggling to survive our February - water quality here is dire) - or perhaps go for a bone jarring ride on my bike out to the farm. Anything to avoid this rising anxiety anyway!  Too early for a beer? Lunchtime - yes too early! I'll start making lunch then!! That's what I'll do!!

Thank you for listening.

Over and Out!

Jacaranda XX               

Blimey!

I am really happy to report a new PB!!!

According to the email this morning (opened squinting through one eye and holding my breath until I was purple) we have officially made it past the first 12 weeks!!!!! I am soooo relieved - I know that our mountain ahead is still extremely steep - but just for today I am going to smile -  and relax - and enjoy the 'longest pregnancy I have ever been a part of'!!! I have been smiling on the inside all day!! Pheeew it's so nice to have some good news up your sleeve for a change and not a heavy ol' heart that is dragging around behind you!!

Anway - for my show and tell today here is what our report is saying now....

• HR 168 Bpm
• Approx gestational age 12 weeks 3 days
• BPD 17 mm
• HC 65 mm
• CRL 55mm
• Nuchal Lucency 0.9 mm
• Nasal bone seen
• Ductus venosus shows normal flow

Of course I have absolutely nothing to compare these figures with so am unable to tell where we're at exactly but am comforted with the accompanying SCI email - "Please note that Dr. Shivani has reviewed the reports & found everything fine. In view of the same her next scan will be done within one month." 
                                                                    
So there you go! Blimey indeed!!

We are flying down to New Zealand tomorrow morning with a lovely group of friends and this news has just made it so much sparklier!!! Thank you so MUCH for the wonderful notes you are adding to my blogs ! I am really begining to LOVE this new Blog World and I hope we can all enjoy a lovely L-O-N-G relationship!!!

You are still the only ones that know our secret!! 

Jacaranda XX   

Eggshells

The 10 week scan results are in and I find myself in familiar territory. I have only just read them and now have to shoot off to work but will now be thinking about it all day - "We would like to inform you that Dr. Shivani has reviewed the reports & noted that "a sac is seen without cardiac activity" which means she is carrying singleton pregnancy. We are very sorry that there is only one heartbeat". OK! So we are still hanging in there - but - now I feel sad and anxious and shakey with a touch of nausea. You try so hard NOT to think of your lovely "life ahead with twins" - because you're not there yet - but you DO and it makes you smile and then BAM - you can't - it's gone! Like I said - familiar territory - and I need to recover and concentrate on our little survivor. Please survive little one! Please survive!! You have made it this far - come one - hang in there - pleeeaaaasseeee!!!!! XX OO

Chilling Out?

We have now reached that stage in 'our pregnancy' when I have lost all of our previous seven pregnancies. Of course the main difference this time is - it's not me!!! Nevertheless I am like a cat on a hot tin roof!! Breath holding gets really uncomfortable after the first week and my overly active imagination has slipped into fifth gear. I'm also a nurse - so I have a medically enhanced over active imagination - which is not good!! Not good at all!! Luckily enough however - SCI knows just how to deal with overly active medically enhanced active imaginations like mine - and if you read between the lines I'd be keen to hear if you can pick it ............

Me: We are still very pleased (and nervous) about these good news scans and wish R***** continued good health. Could you please tell me if there is a concern when the CRL measurements are always approx 1 week behind gestational age? Also - I understand our next scan will be due in approx 3 days time so our ‘fingers are crossed’ for those results as well.

SCI: Dear Jacaranda, Greetings from SCI Healthcare!!!! We thank you for your e-mail and hope you are doing fine. We would like to inform you that everything is fine and your babies are measuring well. We would like to request you to please do not worry. We are taking good care of R***** and your precious pregnancy. We will keep you updated with the further progress and new status.

Ha Ha - so what do you think? I think they are saying "Sigh - Chill Out Girlfriend" So now I'm trying to Chill out and disengage my imagination entirely which is proving increasingly difficult as I watch Australia play India in the Cricket (sorry about the series guys xx), that guy from 'Grand Designs' tour Mumbai and in fact every second documentary at the moment being based in India somewhere!! All very lovely if our next results are positive - all very painful if they are not. 

If the news IS positive (and the next umpteen news bulletins are equally as positive) we have been told that "we" will be completing our 37 weeks of pregnancy on 24th July 2012. That the Cesarean is normally planned at 37 weeks, and that in some cases twins come at 36 weeks. So in view of everything, we have been advised we may need to fly up approx 20th July 2012.............. 

Oh man - when I start typing things like that I get all weird and nervous again!!

Breathe in ..... Breathe out .... Breath in ........

Before I go (and perhaps lie down for a while ha ha) I have a confession to make. It will prove (once AGAIN) how new to this Blogging thing I really AM!! Rather naively it seems I thought I was just contributing to a Surrogacy in India themed group of people and CLEARLY I am not!! I am in fact flailing around in a theme-less world where anybody can write anything for anyone to read about anything :) !! So for those of you reading my first blog and wondering why I didn't go into too much detail - that's why. For those of you sharing this Surrogacy in India theme with me (and actually even those who are not) - standby for next positive/negative results and know that I am simply Breathing in - Breathing out ....... 

Jacaranda xx

River Life

WOW! 9 comments I am super amazed and a little stunned - how did you all find me? Anyway - that's not important right now what IS important is that we have had a successful 8 week scan in the days since my Grand Opening Blog Day!! Phew and Yay x 1000!! I have raced inside after beeing away for 5 days (in Yarrawonga Vic - on the river - 11 hours drive - but LOVLEY!!) to press the ON button so hard I nearly went through it to see what SCI had to say whilst I was away ..... all the time assuming the standard 'it'll be ok if it's bad news posture and breathing method... it'll be ok, we've been through devastating news so many times we'll be ok we'll be ok ..... why is this thing taking SO DAMN LONG TO LOAD UUUUUPPPP???? ...... but thankfully the lovely green cursive writing was in the 'positive' and I can breath like a normal person again. I really need to go and un-pack the car now (it's brimming) and my husband would possibly like a hand so see you again soon my new dear friends!!
Jacaranda XX

Well Look At Me - I'm A Blogger!

Well I never thought I'd see the day when I became a Blogger - so I guess New Years Eve is as good a day as any!!!

It goes without saying that I am new to this world so my Blog will be 'Plain Jane' not 'Sparkle Barbie' for the foreseeable future. OK! To get on with my story .... I live in Australia and I am married. Too brief? OK! We live 3 hours from the nearest capital city in a lovely town that has less than 1,000 people in it (a lot less actually - hence my anonymity). We have been married for 10 years and 10 months and have been trying to have children for 10 years and 6 months (yes - hilarious now to think we used a condom for 4 months ha ha) - Too much information now? Man! This is a tough gig!!

How do you quickly sum up 10 years and 6 months of unsuccessfully trying to have children? Well it's fairly easy really but I'm guessing Blogland doesn't look too favouably upon excessive use of expletives so I shall simply say:

• 7 miscarriages (4 following natural conceptions, 1 following ICSI, 2 following use of Donor eggs) - none surviving beyond 11 weeks.  
• A total of 9 separate ICSI Cycles (mostly fresh) and 3 ICSI Donor Egg Cycles (2 fresh) over a heart-breakingly l-o-n-g 5 year period.
• NKU, MTHFR, Bicornuate Uterus, Anticoagulant Lupus, Rapidly deteriorating egg supply and Crap sperm (sorry dearheart xx oo).

I am guessing this also sums up at least 85% of you - and I'll bet most of you can probably also top it - so I'm REALLY going to enjoy your company if I can get this thing to fly!

I have been a proud client of SCI since a close e-girlfriend of mine did all the research just over a year ago and now together (not geographically speaking) we are boldly going where so many of you have been before!! We have BOTH ridden the pshychotic rollercoaster of excitement joy and devastation already and both have our stories to tell....

But I am the one with too much time on her hands right now so without further adieu I will tentatively, anxiously, nervously and very unconfidently let you know that according to the emails I am currently receiving .... will be 'expecting' twins sometime in July 2012!!

Yes I know it is FAR too early to be cracking anything with bubbles in it just yet but I just had to tell SOMEONE that I wasn't married to and you're it cupcake!!

Given my sordid history above - I won't even be LOOKING at anything with bubbles in it until at least "11 weeks" and even then it will only have about 3 bubbles in it as I hold my breath  ... but still .... the potential is there!! I have read so many of your blogs and I have appreciated them so much! They are so raw and honest and so very valuable. Please know that scaredy cats like me are reading them - even if we don't make a comment - and we are drawing a strength and a sense of camaraderie from each of their good, bad and ugly outcomes.

Righto then - I have talked far too long on my first visit so it's time to go prepare something for tonights NYE bbq up the road! 

If this blog really goes where it's meant to - and somebody accidentally finds it and reads it - please let me know - I will get soooo excited ha ha!!    HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE and may any saddness that has befallen you in 2011 become another layer of resilience for you in 2012. Let's tackle it head on and see where it takes us ......... XX