I do not have ANY exciting news today but just needed to touch base.
There are 8 more sleeps left before our '16 week' scan on March 1st and I think I am developing a stomach ulcer. Not really but I like to errr on the side of melo-dramatic. I cannot get our next scan out of my head and no amount of distracting activities will do it.
Our trip down to New Zealand was absolutely wonderful - many laughs and good food in spectacular settings. It was LOVELY! Our (3 person) part of the 'Remarkable Seven' (me + husband + friend) only got to stay for 8 days, while the 'others' got to stay on for 14 (lucky). So we only got to see the South Island with overnighters in Christchurch, Hokitika, Haast, Queenstown (3 nights), Dunedin (a castle!) and Wellington (once we had broken away from the main group). We said we were on a "Protiki Tour" that put us halfway between a 'Contiki Tour' and a 'Probus Group' ha ha. Well we thought it was funny! As such we did not Bungy Jump (some more regretful about this than others) but we did go White Water Rafting, Jet Boating and down a 'Luge' themed structure on purpose built 'Go-carts'.
Now that we are back home I still have 3 more weeks of annual leave to go and sometimes that is not such a good thing! Too much thinking time!! Too much Thumb Twiddling! At least my husband - who works away in Oil & Gas fields (2 weeks away : 2 weeks home) is home again after only one week this time so thats great. Having him around certainly helps BIG TIME!! He can still make me laugh after 16 years of knowing him.
We are keeping our expectations around about ground level but every now and then we allow ourselves the luxury of a little 'what if...' scenario. Of the warm and fuzzy variety. But almost as quickly we stop and seriously our hearts turn to lead because we are are just so damaged and we can't really imagine this pregnancy going to term. Yes - we've made it further than ever before - and we have the smallest glimmer of hope - but we have been through too much and all of our 'ignorance is bliss' chromosomes have been taken away and disposed of. It's tough when you can never actully 'enjoy' a pregnancy.
Man! I need to get out into the garden now (which is struggling to survive our February - water quality here is dire) - or perhaps go for a bone jarring ride on my bike out to the farm. Anything to avoid this rising anxiety anyway! Too early for a beer? Lunchtime - yes too early! I'll start making lunch then!! That's what I'll do!!
Thank you for listening.
Over and Out!
Jacaranda XX
Waiting for pregnancy news is never fun but if your anxiety is becoming unbearable, why not email the clinic and ask how your surrogate is getting along? 16 week scan pix will be worth the wait :)
ReplyDeleteWould certainly follow up on Tom's suggestion as it may help. Waiting is so difficult especially the first time you have to wait a whole four weeks for an update.
ReplyDeleteI don't think any of us 'enjoy' our surrogate pregnancies as we are all carry scar's of miscarriage and infertility...........it totally sucks! I understand the anxiety you feel and how it messes with your mind and gives you that gurgly stomach!!! Sending positive thoughts and I hope in a few months time when your holding your baby this anxiety is a distant memory!
ReplyDeleteI feel so sad that not only are we in this difficult position of having to use surrogacy, but then that stomach knawing anxiety never leaves, so the joy other couples experience when they find out they are pregnant can never be ours.Bit melodramatic but hopefully you know what I mean! I guess thats why these blogs really help, my other friends with their normal pregnancies can never really empathise with how we feel so its nice to find others who can relate to this nightmare waiting game! Although I have never had so much alcohol during pregnancy before either,so enjoy yr beer! : ) let the next few days fly by!! Xx
ReplyDeleteThanks Guys! It is really to hear from you and thank you so much for posting comments. I can assure you that I have een in touch with SCI (pre-writing post) but of course they can only say (rightly so) that all is well with out surrogate and that she has no discomfort or sickness etc (much gratitute from us). But of course this was exactly what was said a few days prior to learning - upon scan - that we had lost our twin. I know myself there is nothing more they can do - short of strapping my surrogate to a 24/7 ultrasound devise or investing in a jolly decent crystal ball but stiiiiiiillll ...... churn churn .......... I wish I could just switch my imagination node off!!! If I ever learn how to I'll make sure as to let you know ha ha.
ReplyDeleteMuch love and thank you again,
Jacaranda xx
Oh Dear ... replay .... Thanks Guys! It is really *LOVELY to hear for you and thank you ... blah blah blah .... I have *BEEN in touch with SCI ... blah blahblah .... XX
DeleteI give up - DO NOT BLOG AFTER DRINKING A TALL GLASS OF CIDER!!!! XX
DeleteWe are going through the bloody 16ww....... I've started clawing the walls. Love the melo-drama! - feel free to contact me anytime!.....just think that there's another couple developing ulcers with you in Adelaide!!
ReplyDeleteI didn't allow myself to get excited for a long time. It is hard to allow yourself to feel happy and thrilled in a situation like we all face. We've all been there. Just know that it *can* work! (We're at almost 34 weeks now.) Every day that wall comes down a little more and I hope that you get to see and enjoy what's on the other side. For now, we'll all be excited for you and can't wait for you to feel the joy we all feel for you.
ReplyDeleteIf you're on the Forum - look for Astrid. Otherwise I'll get CC or Meg to pass on my details.
ReplyDeletehttp://saskia-fromlittlethingsbigthingsgrow.blogspot.com.au/
Hi Jacaranda
ReplyDeleteAny updates on your 16 week Scan?